4 biggest royal 'mingers' from history

You know when your mate tags you in a photo on Facebook without your consent and you look like something out of the bar scene in Star Wars? That's basically every portrait of James II.

His dad, James I of Scotland, got shanked up in a monastery in 1437, so little Jimmy was crowned king at six years old. Shanking seemed to be the national pastime. Everyone seemed to be at it, all scrapping for control of King James and, by extension, Scotland. Even his mother, Queen Joan, seemed to hop on the bandwagon as she organised the deaths of the rival Stewart branch who murdered her husband.

So basically, he grew up in a palace where no one could be trusted, especially one family called the Black Douglases. This dodgy family were so powerful they essentially had their own Scotland within Scotland. James got a bit sick of this and decided to invite the top Douglas lad round for a HR chat, with the H standing for 'homicide' as he then stabbed him to death mid-meeting.

Charles II was the ultimate example for why cousins shouldn’t get married. With his family’s favourite game being ‘Are you my Dad or my Uncle?’, it meant he was born with a whole load of deformities. His tongue stuck out so much that he couldn't talk properly and wasn't allowed to read until he was eight in case his brain exploded.

By the time he was king, Charles couldn’t rule effectively, so the council mainly did everything. Charlie boy was probably most notable for the infamous Habsburg Jaw. He looked a right state, the poor sod.

He married twice but didn’t have any kids. At one point, people genuinely thought witches and black magic were the reason he couldn't get things up and running in the bedroom. It definitely had nothing to do with their family tree being circular.

He finally died in 1700, childless and in pieces, with contemporary autopsy report stating that his body ‘did not contain a single drop of blood; his heart was the size of a peppercorn; his lungs corroded; his intestines rotten…’.

His death triggered a massive European war. But honestly, given everything that came before, starting an international crisis was probably the most competent thing he ever did.

Why does her bairn look like a bloke called Dave who at 32 still can't figure out how to unload a dishwasher? The lad’s got the expression of someone who’s seen things. And given who his mother is….it makes sense.

This portrait, painted by Arnold Bronckorst in the 1580s, is meant to be a stately dynastic flex: Mary, Queen of Scots, mother of James VI of Scotland (and future James I of England), gazing serenely into the distance, while her son looks like he’s just lost a 5-a-side match at Powerleague.

Mary, bless her, was married three times, imprisoned by her cousin Elizabeth I, and eventually executed for alleged treason. She’d already been forced to abdicate in favour of wee James by the time this painting was made, so the portrait’s a bit of political spin. Think of it like a Tudor PR campaign: ‘Look at us, we’re dead canny and not at all involved in a centuries-long dynastic blood feud x’.

But back to James. A baby? Technically. But the hairline? Looks like it's doing a runner already.

These eyebrows didn't just frame his face - they threatened it. Spain’s Ferdinand VII's brows looks like when a year 9 has just discovered Maybelline's darkest shade, and no one has had the heart to tell them to stop.

As a prince, he plotted against his own father (Charles IV), tried to get Napoleon’s help to dethrone him, and then acted shocked when Napoleon just took Spain for himself. He was then exiled by Napoleon. Ferdinand came crawling back with the help of the British and still had the audacity to call himself El Deseado – ‘The Desired’. However, the only thing people desired was for him to get a pair of tweezers.

In 1812, the Spanish Constitution was formed, which created a liberal government in his absence in resistance to French rule. However, when he saw the liberal Constitution of 1812 and said, ‘Awww thanks… into the fire it goes.’

So next time you clock yourself in the bathroom mirror after a heavy sesh with the lads, remember to keep your chin up, love. Half of Europe’s royals looked like the DNA got confused and gave up halfway.